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Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, NIV).
I’ve been reading about friendship lately.
One research paper opened with the anecdote of a man who attended a gathering that originated online for people seeking friends. About two dozen people attended, and most stood silently around the edges of the room while a few others chattered nervously.
The man, standing by himself, heard a woman come up behind him and say, “Don’t these meetings make you nervous?” Just that question, honestly spoken, opened a conversation that made the evening worthwhile. The man, a researcher, began thinking after the conversation, “Why don’t I have friends? Why is it so hard for me to talk with strangers? And what happened when I found myself easily engaged with a woman in a conversation after just a few minutes?”
Good questions.
What he found was that children’s early experiences of acceptance or rejection preprogram our future interactions for success or failure. In his research surveying those who easily connect and those who stand around the edges of a room about childhood experiences, he found the “connected” had early experiences (whether introvert or extrovert) of acceptance from others, while those “standing around types” had experiences of being rejected or the proverbial not being chosen on the playground for a team sport.
How about you? What are your early childhood experiences? The researcher had learned that the woman who engaged him came from a large family, while he was an only child.
In my early childhood, I was able to “joke” myself into any social circle; people seemed to love my humor (those who have heard me preach might find this incredulous 😊). But I remember a friend from grade school who wasn’t invited to a birthday party and finally found freedom from this childhood rejection after adult counseling decades later.
The researcher discovered more insights. He found that those who stood around the room actually thought that they were doing what was needed to fit in by not being overly aggressive, talking too much, and being silently approachable. They didn’t realize that their behaviors at the “finding friends gathering” were actually a defense mechanism to keep them from being hurt again.
And finally, the man at the party discovered that the key to starting friendships is the willingness to take risks with the possibility of rejection, that getting back up from a put-down in a relationship, dealing with the situation with humor, and not losing self-respect enabled the person to learn how (no matter previous experiences) to gain new friends.
Personally, after reading the man/researcher and his findings, I think he missed something — that our identity should be in Jesus, not in what others think of us, or what we think of ourselves.
The most helpful verse in the Bible for making friends is…
For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God (Romans 8:15-16, NASB1995).
Now, reread the verse in the Old Guy Version (my translation)…
For I have not received a spirit of rejection leading to repeating cycles of fear, but I have been loved by my Dad, who has invited me to be a co-heir with His son, Jesus.
Amen and amen!