|
Getting your Trinity Audio player ready...
|
Kind words are like honey – sweet to the soul and healthy for the body (Proverbs 16:24, NLT).
Have you ever felt encouraged after a conversation, or have you felt worse? After talking with someone and then hearing their recap of your conversation, have you asked yourself, “Were we even in the same conversation?”
One author said, “The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” The most important goal of any conversation is to connect. When we have conversations in which we enjoy the topic, experience the same emotions, become so “into” the conversation that we can almost finish the other person’s sentences, and then the conversation ends, and we feel disappointed — this is a connecting conversation.
I’ve found that our ability to connect with others in edifying conversations depends on identifying the type of conversation we are engaged in. There are only three types of conversations:
Practical: Advice given or received, information needed, experiences shared, and insights into improvement all make up practical conversations.
Emotional: How do we feel? A freedom to understand and share our emotions on differing topics.
Meaningful: Exploring questions of who we are, the purpose of things, what something is about, and issues of significance.
When we fall into the trap of engaging in one type of conversation while the other person desires another, we don’t connect. As a pastor, I could quickly derail a conversation after listening to someone share their feelings (emotional), and then quickly go to my “what the Bible says” mode (practical) without identifying with their emotions.
Over the years, on a percentage basis, I’ve found that 30 percent of conversations are practical, 30 percent are emotional, and 20 percent are meaningful. With the remaining 10 percent, I couldn’t figure out what the conversation was about. With practical, we both give and take advice; with emotional, we return our emotions for theirs; and with meaningful, we share ideas about God’s purposes in response to their questions.
The final 10 percent — I found this type of conversation to be tedious and often lengthy, with the person rambling about their point of view, pains, or frustration, but having no desire to change or listen, not interested in my thoughts, wanting another conversation on another day, then another and another, and getting irritated when I finally opted out.
Let’s find more joy at holiday parties this year by identifying what type of conversation the other person desires, deciding whether we want to participate in that conversation, and always having a tactful exit strategy.
How do we discover a desired conversation, and if needed, how to exit?
Discovering — Ask the questions: “What have you enjoyed lately?” or “What have you been interested in recently?” From these questions, discern whether they want an emotional, practical, or deep, meaningful discussion, and then decide whether it’s the conversation in which you want to participate.
Exiting — Redeeming your time (and often your sanity) means learning how to engage and knowing when to leave a conversation. The most effective exit strategy is honesty with a comment such as, “It was nice talking to you, but there are some other people that I also want to talk with.” Never make a false promise of getting together in the future when it’s not your intention.
I read a book recently that said, “When starting a conversation, it’s best to think of the discussion as a negotiation with the prize of figuring out and agreeing on a goal for the conversation.” Remember: if emotional, go emotional; if practical, then practical; if more meaningful, then go deep; and if it’s the last 10 percent, exit quickly.
The right conversation at an opportune moment can change our lives; this one discussion is worth a thousand conversational failures.
Keep talking!
Connecting or disconnecting?
