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Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed (Proverbs 15:22, ESV).
In both Bible college and seminary (mid-70s), I was taught Bible, theology, Greek, exegesis, how to preach, and my denomination’s doctrine.
I was required to take only one semester of counseling in both Bible college and seminary, yet in many years as a pastor, I often found myself asked to counsel someone. I could help with Biblical advice on many issues, but recognized early in my career that in-depth counseling required someone better trained.
Understanding my inability and desiring others to get the help they needed, if I heard one of these four questions or comments, I would suggest that they see a professional counselor.
- If someone said, “I can’t afford a counselor, so can I see you?”
My response to this comment would be, “I understand finances can be difficult, and affordability is the number one reason that people do not seek professional counseling. Why don’t you pay for one session and then, if it doesn’t work out for any reason, please call me.”
I’ve noticed over the years that people value counseling more and tend to follow advice when they pay a counselor. My ploy of telling them to pay for one session kept them from getting mad at me, gave them the opportunity for better care, and gave me more freedom in my schedule — as rarely did anyone call again.
- If they said, “I have a really difficult problem.”
As a young pastor I would jump at the chance to counsel “really difficult” problems (the pastor on a white horse riding to the rescue). Then I matured and realized that when counseling a member of the congregation through a great difficulty, I had to be 100 percent correct, or I would receive a healthy dose of blame, anger, and even slander for any miscues.
Trained counselors know how to develop and maintain proper boundaries (hard for a pastor and a member of the church to do) and, if the situation blew up … well … that’s why a counselor is paid.
- Hey Grant, “I want to talk with you about a family member (or church member).”
Please never step into this type of snake pit. Almost 100 percent of the time, the person has already decided they’re right and desired a pastoral blessing to bolster their case against their family member (or church member).
A second major reason that people don’t seek counseling is fear of judgment. Before true repentance, there’s a wrestling match in our soul between the convicting truth of the Spirit and the lies we believe about ourselves. Often, instead of facing the truth, we seek sympathetic self-justifying nods of agreement from others.
Note: There are exceptions to what I’ve just written with this one. I found that getting counsel from trusted advisors myself helped me know when to say yes or no in some counseling family (or church) matters of dispute.
- Will you meet with me on a regular basis?
A pastor’s job includes care as well as leading; with limited time, leaders must discern whom to spend time with. The worst “time takers” demand and then get mad when their expectations aren’t met. I knew that my primary role was preaching, evangelism, and discipleship, and not reacting to emergencies. As the church I pastored grew, we were able to care for more and different types of problems with people — but it wasn’t me, but those I’d discipled.
These four comments typically led me to suggest that someone see a counselor or someone better equipped for their situation. I did receive criticism for not responding quickly to all requests, but I also kept my sanity, led a church, prepared sermons, and had time for my family.